Christmas Eve is the day I feel happy about. It’s filled with suspense and I have many expectations of the Christmas Season. I received gifts from kind relatives leading up to Christmas Eve. I have received giftcards and well-wishes from my favorite charities. These are the Franciscan Mission Associate.
You might not know that I am a Secular Franciscan. However, after several years of community in the secular definition, I left the group I belonged to because the pressure was too great. I was their Minister for a long time and one of us broke away from our tenets and caused a great stir among the community. The tension I felt was much to great. I was told by my first psychiatrist that I should not subject myself to stress. And, yet, I worked in stressful situations. It’s not anyone’s fault. Working an 8 hour shift can be stressful for those who are prone to depression.
In my last job, I couldn’t stand the pressure to perform. I did well in that job, but the work was too stressful. So I left several years from retirement. I didn’t care about being jobless. I left my job for my health.
I learned to relax and yet I had sad events happen to me, most of all the loss of my first dog, Dukie. I suffered so much in the following months missing Dukie.
Now that it’s really retirement season for me, I can rest and feel better. I do have regrets but I confessed to God that I committed sins by leaving the SFO. When I left I still was called a Franciscan, but they call people like “lapsed”. The act of consecration to become a Secular Franciscan is a permanent and lasting act. Till the day I die, I’m still a Franciscan.
This year I have given what I could afford to the Franciscans. I love St Francis of Assissi. But all the time I was in community, I felt as though I needed to understand the Franciscan charism.
I’ve gone back to the Church by attending Mass that they show on YouTube. I am happy about that. I miss the community but I am in a bigger community where everyone is a good Christian.
Merryagnes Blog 